A Letter From William Daed, Interim CEBDO
(Chief Executive Bidet Designs Officer) Of Woot.com

Over the past year, we've had to make some hard choices. We've had to focus on what works, and remove what didn't. Today we're proud to announce that we're changing our direction towards a new and better type of sales experience. Today, we're proud to announce that Bidet.Woot is open for business… forever. We've run the numbers. We've checked the figures. We've done the market research over and over again. Simply put, as we begin to settle into this 2016 election cycle, it's clear that our customers are more and more desperate to feel clean. Moving from a deals site to a bidet-specific site isn't just a good career move for me personally, it's also the greatest thing that's ever happened to you, the reader.

Over the next few months, you'll see small changes across the Woot family of sites. It's started today, with the menu bar. Take note of the changes, please. They'll be around for a long time to come. They say the future is build on the fundament of today. We say: make sure that fundament's clean and the sky's the limit. By April 1st, 2017, we see Bidet.Woot as being the dominant force in online bidet sales. But it won't stop there. Expect briefcase bidets for the office, drone bidets summoned via phone app, craft bidets manufacturers in the cities of Brooklyn, Portland, and San Francisco, and the soon-to-be-announced vacuum bidet, designed to clean the bottoms of heroes as they turn their faces toward a journey into space. Will YOUR child be one of them?

While our competitors are doubling-down on the ghosts of useless paper, we're looking forward. We're seeing the future. We're holding our tablets, syncing with our smart watches, and blocking off some quality time in the mists of tomorrow armed with only our wits, our dreams, and our perfect cleaning tool. Won't you become one of our bidestronauts and change the world?

Bravery. Genius. Bidets. Woot.

Ever Forward,

William Daed

Interim CEBDO

History of Bidets

470 BCB (before common bidets) – Cambidelot

Arthur Pendragon passes a lake from which a mysterious arm is rising, holding an unknown object. He takes it to his friend, Merlin, who ages backward and thus knows the future. Merlin names the object “Omsibid De Traughlvant” which in his weird future language means “the prophecy will be fulfilled.” The name is almost immediately shortened after being deemed way too ridiculous.

52 BCB – The Gaulic Bidets

Julius Caesar brings the might of Rome to the tribes of the North. He returns home with a bidet, and the curse of the Witches of the Celts. Caesar is killed for keeping the secrets of the bidet to himself, or perhaps, because of the curse.

0 ACB (after common bidets) - The Explosion Of Mt Bidsuviets

A whole city is left feeling unfresh and covered in ash after an unexpected eruption. Steps are taken in all civilized nations to have bidets at the ready should this happen again.

1066 – Bidet Of Hastings

William The Conqueror takes over England by accident while trying to find a bidet. He laughs at the mistake, but doesn’t give the country back.

1190 – The Drowning Of Fredrick Bidetrossa

After a highly-spiced meal, and with no bidet available, the Holy Roman Emperor attempts to use a river as a bidet, while in full armor. As you probably guessed from the title here, it goes poorly.

1521 – The Bidet Of Worms

A tiny bidet is created for a bunch of worms in order to distract everyone from the Protestant Revolution. It doesn’t go well, but the little bidets are super cute.

1776 – The Bidetrican Revolution

A few brave men dump tea into a British bidet, leading to a clogging that eventually gives them their freedom.

1804 – Napoleon Bidetpart

A middle class man rises to become Emperor of France through his genius at war and a regular use of his bidet

1966 – The Bideatles

Four lads from Liverpool change modern bidets forever.

2016 – Bidet.Woot

THE PROPHECY OF MERLIN IS TODAY FULFILLED

The dawn of a new bidet